My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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