Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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