My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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