The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
ttyl tear gas
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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