you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I cut my penus on the lid.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
