last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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