My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
