The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
