he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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