End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
