i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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