she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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