if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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