I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
