Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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