3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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