You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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