matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
