So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
