i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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