He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
