I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
