you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
