I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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