I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
