I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
