I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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