Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
