can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
