I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
