I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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