i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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