when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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