I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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