I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
