i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
