I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
