4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
