All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
