I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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