somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
