Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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