just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
