I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
