he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
