I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think my fart just growled at me.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
