I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
