Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
