This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
