She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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