I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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