It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
